Hermosa & the Bi☥ch

I just want to break down and cry Have you hold me as tears fall uncontrollably But I can't. Because truthfully you're with her. You always have time for her. Even when it's my time, she's on ur mind. She's all that you desire But I'm supposed to believe you when you tell me you l-ve me? I'm always on the verge of tears There's so much pain in my eyes,  you don't see. Because you long since stop looking at me. I find comfort in the warmth of alcohol Amazed me how it easily it goes down now                 All hours of the day you find a way to get away from me Like I suffocate YOU What about those times you wanted me with you? When I rushed to leave where I was to be where you were? Now I could go missing and you wouldn't know unless someone else told you All I want is for your actions to match your words For your body heat to melt the ice around my heart Or for you to let me go 

A few yrs ago whilst in the midst of some catty femle beef I looked up BIPOLAR becuz of how it was 'joked' about being had. When I found out it was a depression, I decided to stop saying "I'm bipolar" not wanting to accept/speak depression on myself/others. I refer to ppl's flip flop personality as 'sour patch kid' now instead. I know what it's like to be depressed. I have had many a suicide thoughts. I once drank alcohol & took the few pills I had at my disposal hoping to die. I cope by holding on to a fantasy that I will see my baby bro in heaven 1 day, long as I don't die from suicide. I occasionally drink/smoke/take medicines. I create fantasies in my head where things are different, I am happier. I don't dwell on my 'problems' nor do I talk about them. I have sex. I don't want counseling anymore. It was a time I did, and no one took me seriously. I have survived this long, this way. I'm actually sharing this

I hate that I'm homeless, I mean a house IS NOT a home, especially not this one. I hate how little this house is, there's no where for ME to put MY stuff. I have boxed up essentials & unnecessary stuff unpacked. I am not at liberty to paint or nail a hole in the wall. I can't buy a shelf or a dresser. I am depressed. I NEED to escape. Creatively. Freely. Uniquely.