Hermosa & the Bi☥ch

A few yrs ago whilst in the midst of some catty femle beef I looked up BIPOLAR becuz of how it was 'joked' about being had. When I found out it was a depression, I decided to stop saying "I'm bipolar" not wanting to accept/speak depression on myself/others. I refer to ppl's flip flop personality as 'sour patch kid' now instead. I know what it's like to be depressed. I have had many a suicide thoughts. I once drank alcohol & took the few pills I had at my disposal hoping to die. I cope by holding on to a fantasy that I will see my baby bro in heaven 1 day, long as I don't die from suicide. I occasionally drink/smoke/take medicines. I create fantasies in my head where things are different, I am happier. I don't dwell on my 'problems' nor do I talk about them. I have sex. I don't want counseling anymore. It was a time I did, and no one took me seriously. I have survived this long, this way. I'm actually sharing this ...

I've learned that when it comes to my relationships, I'm the problem. I'm the reason for the arguments. I don't understand. I don't listen. I don't care. I don't answer questions correctly. I won't change. I don't consider other's feelings. I don't make time. I don't plan dates. I don't cook for them. I don't cook well. I'm always in/on my phone. I'm always on my computer. I'm always on a social network. I don't talk to them. I isolate myself. I don't try to bond with their family/friends. I'm sneaky. I lie. I hide shit. I'm secretive. I'm sensitive. I'm argumentative. I LOVE to debate. I'm stuck up. I'm not humble. I'm childish. I'm not sexual. I'm cold. I'm not affectionate. I don't care about how I look. I'm not tidy. I'm wild. I don't make good choices. I'm emotional. I'm rebellious. I'm not wife material. I won't let anyone in. I don...

     Other people make a space beautiful. I kinda feel dumb writing about this. However I have a lot on my chest. I made the decision to start a new life. I have convinced myself that in order to move forward, I must let go of the past. I am giving up my home. Not house but HOME. A place that I built with my love and my dreams. My comfort zone is going to be gone. I’m giving up my childish ways. My stuffed animal friends, my doll baby (I say it backwards because although she is a doll she is MY BABY.) I will no longer be able to put things the way I want them or how I want them. I am letting go of my space. My individuality, creativity, my freedom will be boxed up or thrown out or sold. No longer will I be able to enjoy the company of pets that I am used to. With each word I type I begin to question the choice I am making. Only because I am giving up soooo much on a hope, not a guarantee. Not a promise, not even a wish, or an expectation. Sacrificing my EVER...

It's funny how every time you put your phone down, it's face down. And no matter who you talk to when you speak about it later, you can never remember a name. You know how to hold the phone @ that perfect angle so only you see your screen. No looking over your shoulder, huh? & you can have a lock on your phone whenever you please? I admit in the past I didn't do things like that BUT hell I didn't think that doing those things meant being sneaky. O wait, it's sneaky when I DO it is just normal for any & every body else?And why is it, I must hear," I need to tell you SOMETHING or show you SOMETHING." WTF is the something??? Like why can't I just be told," Look I've been SECRETLY & SNEAKLY accessing your account and I want to discuss what I came across." Yet I'm sneaky. I'm manipulative. Hiding something. Oh  so because you rather not talk to me or listen when I talk or because you take everything personally that I...

I've been away for... Quite some time. Partially becuz I wasn't sure what to write about. Partially becuz I have upset people with my words. This is my blog. I don't use others names. Well I rarely use them. Personal pictures are those I've taken with my own personal phone/camera making them my personal property & if they were sent to me I ask permission. I can't please everyone. That is why this is MY blog. I aim to please me... So with that being said I have some thoughts brewing ;)

KEPT Him a BLACK Girl It's the tale as old as time. Recently watching Jungle Fever (for the FIRST time) the women were complainig about the same thing in the late 80's,early 90's that they are complaing about now. That is,"Soon as he (a Brother) gets on he leaves for a white girl." However,I have noticed quite a bunch of black men who are married within their race. I've compiled a list of successful black men who kept successs and a black girl as their #1. #1 & #2: Will Smith & Jay-Z #3 Greg Jennings #4 Swizz Beats #5 Shannon Brown #6 Nick Cannon #7 Bobby McCray #8 Cory Hardrict #9 Carmelo Anthony #10 Big Boi Honorable mentains: Denzel, Duane Martin, Shaq, Steve Harvey, Boris Kodjoe, Snoop,Marlon Waynes,President Obama, Morris Chestnut, Omar Epps, & T.I. whereas MempHITZ & Daniel Gibson are engaged to be married to black women. So does this mean we can stop saying that now?